Angelversary – 17 Months

I am asked why I say the Angelversary of your death and not anniversary. I feel it is self explanatory – an anniversary is a celebratory event, how can your leaving be celebratory? So grieving parents use the term Angelversary as a special way to feel the love for their child who left too soon. This term recognizes that you are still part of my life each and every day. I carry you with me more now then when you were here and it will forever be that way. Today it is 17 months since you left. 517 days. 12,410 hours. It feels like a lifetime. A life of hard time where all I wish is to see you, hear your voice and feel your hug; however, I will never experience these things again. I can still hear your voice clearly, I have not forgotten how you sounded and I am thankful for this. When I speak to you, I often think that I hear your response. When I say I love you out loud to the universe in hopes that you will hear, I often think I hear you say I love you too. But I know that you cannot talk to me, you cannot tell me you love me. I still cannot look at the last text you sent me, the last message you ever sent but I have saved it on my phone and one day, one day I will look at it again. Nothing is the same anymore. I feel guilty when I laugh or start to have fun, how can I do this when you cannot? I feel that I am betraying you when this happens. I went to the movies the other day, we saw the new Guardians of the Galaxy and it brought back so many memories – remember our date to the first Guardians movie? Just you and I, we went for dinner and the movie. I enjoyed these moments just you and I. Today, I am sitting here with my pain, I am acknowledging it, I am letting it be present like a jagged piece of metal in my very being and I am not going to rush it away. I am going to sit with my pain and remember all the love. Today, I am not going to think about your illness, I am not going to give any mind to those who betrayed me after your death. Today, I will honour you and your memory. My pain in losing you, in grieving you shows the world all the love I had for you. I am not ashamed to grieve and a part of me will always grieve you. My love for you runs deeps to my core, we are forever connected and your leaving has left a deep empty hole that will never be filled. I love you forever My Monkey.