Our Second Christmas

Our second Christmas without you. The title is misleading and I have thought about writing this for days; however, each time, I sit to start, I cannot. Is it that I did not want the holiday to arrive? – yes. Is it that I fear acknowledging another year without you? – yes. I just want you here with me and your family. I want this exhausting journey to end. But it will never end, will it? You are gone forever and I am here without you until one day, we will meet again.
The hardest part of this Christmas was not the day, not decorating the park where you left us, not the gifts or waking up Christmas morning. It was seeing your stocking in the boxes of decorations. Touching your stocking. Stockings are my favourite part of Christmas morning and I love to fill one’s stocking. However, it is not the same anymore since you left. Now it feels like a chore. A chore to have to participate in this holiday that you loved so much. An exhausting chore.
I tried to change my thinking this year from not wanting to participate in Christmas to participating fully in honour of you as you loved it so much. However, it is not the same. You are not here to see it, feel it and enjoy it. What is the point?
In a few days, I will be putting away Christmas for another year. The chaos all completed, the food and baking not all eaten, the gifts being stored away and I am still left with an emptiness from you not being here.
What will this new year bring? What will my continuing journey look like? Feel like? Will it be as hard or harder than the second year? The longer you’re gone, the more permanent my situation becomes. 
I loved that your friends reached out to me for Christmas. I know that, like me, they miss you terribly. Each of them visiting you at the park and sitting with your decorations and tree, it gave them peace.
I have asked that they each join me on January 2 at the park, with new lights and balloons for you. This week my bandwidth is low for everything, I am tired, stressed, anxious and sad. I just wish to be left alone; but do I? Is that what I need? I am certain my Village will circle around and be here for me as they always are, they will hold me up when I need it.
Until then, I will sit with full anxiety waiting for January 2 to arrive.
I love you, Monkey and miss you more.