23 Months.

How have you been gone 23 months? Today has been so hard. I am sad, tired and anxious. I keep thinking how I do not wish Christmas to come and yet it is going to arrive. You loved Christmas. You loved the decorations, the tree, and setting up the Village. I could not put up a tree last year. This year, I will be putting up our tree. However, all your special ornaments, I cannot put those out so I have decided to not use any of the special ornaments. This year, I will only be using new ornaments. I have sorted all the decorations that I have, I have packed away your special ornaments and Brad’s. All the other ornaments will be donated. Our Christmas is so different without you so it should look different too. Again I wish Christmas would not come, it means that I will be forced to acknowledge another year without you. It does not get easier, the holidays become harder, the shock of your absence has left and now I am left with the reality of your absence. I am trying to tell myself that I need to put up the tree to honour you. When I think this, I can hear you asking for the tree to be put up. I remember how you helped me with the tree your last Christmas. I watched the video of you playing guitar in front of the tree that year. I remember every detail of our last Christmas. It should not have been our last one. I knew I was going to lose you but I didn’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it now. I am tired of this journey, it is exhausting and yet it is the journey life has given me to walk. An unfair, difficult journey. I am sorry I couldn’t save you. I tried. I tried everything I thought I had to do. I am sorry I failed you. As your mom, I should have been able to make it better for you. I love you, Monkey and I miss you more.