November – Passing 22 Months

This month was 22 months and I could not sit to write anything to you on November 2. It has taken me this long to gather the courage to turn my mind and really let the length of time sink in. To really feel it. It has taken me these couple of weeks as I am not certain how to put in words, what or how I feel. There are no words emphatic enough to explain it all. I am exhausted from it, the sadness, the heartbreak, the missing you and the ebb and flow of grief and now the constant presence of anxiety as I think of Christmas and having to put up our tree. Our tree was last put up and decorated the Christmas before you left. How am I going to open those boxes and see the ornaments with your name, the ones you made, the ones you were gifted each year with your stocking? I cannot simply not do it or not include your ornaments but I fear that seeing them all is going to send me spiraling back to those last weeks with you. Having the tree again, will it be a constant reminder of our last Christmas? Will not putting up a tree will be a constant reminder that you are not here? I don’t know. I do know that not acknowledging Christmas is me ignoring the emotions that I have. I need to feel it, I need to live it and I need to do it for you. Your love for Christmas and decorating, perhaps those memories are what I need to get me through. Maybe I store all your special ornaments, store Brad’s special ornaments and purchase all new ornaments, ones that are not attached to you or your memory. Perhaps I consider a themed tree of colours to honour you. The one thing that I have been thinking about is going to park in a couple of weeks, I will be decorating the goal post for Christmas and I will again leave you a Christmas tree. I know you will be there with me as I decorate the goal post and I can hear you thanking me and telling me how good it will look. Most of all, I can hear you telling me that you love me. I have some time still to think of all of this and I am considering this each and every day. For now, I love you and I miss you. I am calmly moving my way towards December and inevitably January 2 ….. 24 months with anxiety and apprehension. I love you, Monkey and I miss you more.