Struggling

I sit here today and I seem to only be able to cry. You being gone for 21 months has hit me harder than any of the other angelversaries. I do not know why. It snuck up on me and it has pushed me back in my journey. Is it that your being here is fading? Your being here, your voice, your smell, your laugh – I cannot recall these things anymore. You are now becoming only a memory and it is so hard. You are more than a memory and I don’t want you to be a memory, I want you here. Here next to me where I can keep you safe, except I couldn’t keep you safe when you were here. Perhaps, I am feeling this because we are almost at two years. Two fucking years since you left. This week, both Ashour and Austin reached out to me. I wonder if is it because you sent them a message that I am struggling. Both only wanted to check in with me and it meant so very much to me. Everyone misses you so much and they all want to talk to me about you and right now, I cannot do it. I cannot open myself to hear what others are going through because no one can understand the depth of my pain and I just have no room to take theirs on or the capacity to try and sympathize with them. I have to protect me, I have to heal me and taking on everyone elses’ pain only creates more for me. I do not have the answers that everyone wishes. That is why suicide grief is so hard, so difficult to overcome and yet so many people ask me “why?”. Some days, I cannot even speak of you. It is too hard. Today, I try to say your name and it is only met with a sob. I am not certain when I will be able to push this sadness away so I can live as everyone expects me to. For now, my struggles are harder, my journey is harder and I need to take my time with this part of my journey. Rushing it will not heal me faster or change the future. I must accept that the waves of my grief are crashing and right now are not calm. Perhaps, you are busy wherever you are and that is why I am struggling more. Perhaps, as I sense how happy you are, it makes me miss you more. I know that I will see you again one day but that is not enough. You should be here. I love you so very much, Monkey and I miss you more.