21 Month Angelversary

My beautiful amazing boy. It has been 21 months. I still cannot describe what it felt like to lose you to others. It was excruciating, and I felt numb at the same time. My heart screamed and yet my mind was silent, covered in a fog. I cannot seem to put it into better words, I know that what I am describing here most likely does not make any sense to someone who has not experienced the gravity of the loss of a child…. the type of grief that follows a suicide. The guilt that I feel as a mother who could not save her child. A part of me died with you that morning, right there at the park laying in the snow with you. A part of me died and yet, I live…..
As time moves on, I have discovered that my grief is changing. Your laugh sounds farther away, your hugs are no longer fresh in my mind and I cannot feel them any longer. I can still recall your smile and how you entered a room but I can no longer recall your smell or hear your voice. These are now all distant memories. I believe in some ways, I miss you more than I did when I first lost you. The shock is gone, the expectation that this is all a dream has gone and I am left trying to not forget you physically. I will always remember you, your personality, your wit, your humour but feeling your presence is fading. This creates yet another loss. A loss I was not expecting to experience.
My journey is not getting easier, the pain is not subsiding with time. It just looks and feels different.
I love you so much Monkey. I hope that I told you enough, I hope I showed you enough. I am so proud of you. You and Brad are my everything and you will always be. I love you, Monkey, then, now and forever but I miss you more.