Survivor’s Guilt

July 2 came and went. I was anxious on the first and weepy but I was managing, it was a work day and I was able to push aside everything I was feeling. July 2 arrived and it was a work day, I woke with thoughts of you, I talked to you and told you I loved you, as I do each and every morning. Then I got busy and I forgot to write to you, then I remembered but then I was distracted and I forgot again or never managed to get to it. Then on the fourth, I remembered that I forgot. I could not bring myself to write to you two days late so I didn’t. I have not been able to write to you since, I have been consumed with feelings of guilt and I feel almost negligent that I didn’t write to you. I did not forget you Monkey. I carry you more with me now then when you were here with me. You are always on my mind. You never leave my thoughts. These last few days, my grief is surging. I am finding it difficult to tuck away and I am waking myself with my crying. I wonder when my grief flows like this, does it mean you are restless where you are? Are you trying to connect with me and my heart knows it and can feel you but my mind cannot? You visited me once, it was a short visit and you sat on my bed and I felt how much you love me. You looked so good and you felt happy. How I wish for more visits. I see so many signs and I know that you are looking out for me. I know you want me happy. You were always the one who did not wish to see anyone sad or unhappy. I try to be happy for you, to honour you. You cannot live your life so I will live mine for you but as I try to be happy and live for you, sometimes it does become unbearable. The loss, the emptiness and the numbness that I feel each and every day never go away. They are a part of me now just as my love for you is a part of me, all of these feelings will be with me forever, until one day they won’t because I will be with you. Until then, know that I am going to continue to travel my journey with grace no matter how ugly it can be some days. I am going to live for you and I am going to ensure that I always say your name so everyone knows you were here. You will never be forgotten. I love you Monkey and miss you more.