Angelversary – 18 Months

18 Months. Such a long time to not have you here. A long time to not speak to you and have you respond. I cannot say such a long time to not hear your voice as Austin sent me a video and in that video you are talking. Watching that video, hearing you speak, took my breath and I swear stopped my heart for just a second. It is amazing that I had not forgotten your voice. It is exactly as I remember. The voice of the man that you were becoming and now will never be. The man that I will never know, the accomplishments I will never see you achieve whatever they may have been. So many “what ifs” and so many “what could have beens” and rather I am left with an emptiness, a void where these memories should be stored. I am often with your Auntie Keri and your cousins. I see you so strongly in Jaxton. Physically, somewhat; however, moreso in personality. He is that quiet one, the one who likes solitude. The one who will joke with you, tease you relentlessly and the same mischievous smile and giggle. He is same sensitive and feeling boy you were. The one when he gets upset, you cannot help but want to hug him until he feels better and safe. He has the same love of animals that you did and collects stuffed puppies as you once did at his age. Although he is young and I do not believe he fully understands your struggle in life, he feels your loss deeply. He is the one who seems to quietly honour your life more than your other cousins. He wears orange, he has asked Ashoura to teach him to skateboard – to be closer to you and your memory. Seeing this helps me. Seeing that you had an impact on him, in life and in your death, brings me hope that you will not be forgotten. For all these things, I feel a special bond to Jaxton as I try to fill that void that you left. Last week, I watched your friends and peers walk the stage at what should have been your graduation. I started to cry the minute I walked into the stadium. It was overwhelming and I still do not know how I made it to the front of the stadium to light your candle and to tell your friends that you were with them that day. In my mind, I saw you walk the stage, I know you would have done something on your walk that you should not have done – some comical silly look at me strut just to get everyone to laugh. Now what? No more secondary losses, no more waiting for the anticipated events that you could not be part of. They are done and I now I must continue my journey along the long lonely road of grief. I love you Monkey and I miss you more and more each day.