Secondary Losses

I often wonder how my life would be right now if you were still here. I sit with these thoughts and I make up scenarios quite often. Recently I was thinking about you and what should have been your prom. Would you have chosen to wear a tuxedo? A suit? I cannot even begin to image what you would have chosen. Would you have taken a date? Would it have been Olivia? So many things to think about, all with answers I will never know. Then I move to graduation, thinking of you walking across the stage to accept your Dogwood. Wearing your cap and gown. I imagine that you would still wear your Vans with your cap and gown as you always wore your Vans. I also believe that you would rather be on your skateboard than walking across a stage and being the centre of attention, if only for a moment. I know with certainty you would have been annoyed with me as I would want to make everything perfect for you and you often said I did too much. But that is a mom. A mom should do too much as a mother loves unconditionally. Where would we be now? After graduation, how would you spend your days? Your first summer knowing no more high school? If you didn’t leave this earth, would I have moved? Started a new job? So many unanswered questions and as I sit and try to answer them, each time I imagine a different scenario. Each one makes me miss you more. Each one makes me cry and smile at the same time. These thoughts, these secondary losses are always with me, a quiet sadness that lingers within. They have me longing for one more day, one more word, one more hug. I am thankful to your friends that they take the time to join me to celebrate your life. That they respect that I need to have them in my life as I feel a piece of you when they are close. I hope that they feel a comfort when we celebrate you. We may not understand why you left us when you did or why you decided to leave when we were not ready to say good bye but little by little we are starting to remember not just that you died but that you lived and that your life gave us memories that are too beautiful, too precious and too valuable to forget. I love you Monkey. I miss you more than yesterday.