A Difficult Day

Today has been difficult. So far today has been the hardest one of the month and yet there is nothing significant on this date. I woke this morning to the above picture in my Facebook Memories and it took me back to the weekend in 2012 when we were just sitting together and watching a movie – how I wish I could recall the movie even though it is not important but it is not something that I can remember and I really wish I could remember every second, every minute I had with you. It is these times that most people do not think to remember and they just let pass as if they are insignificant. Perhaps to some these moments are insignificant because they think that there will be so many more of these moments. However, if they only knew that in a blink of an eye my reality could be theirs perhaps they would stop and enjoy the little moments, the annoying moments. The moments when they are busy and stressed and they are being interrupted by a child and they do not take that second to stop and respond. How I wish you could interrupt me, I would let you do that every minute if I could have you back. You do interrupt me now but it isn’t the same; now your interruptions are memories or a song. This morning Auntie Keri and I went to the funeral home where you were and I sat in the room that I last saw you and held you. It was more emotional than I thought it would be and it has quite literally uprooted me, I am irritable and on edge. I keep thinking did I sit with you long enough that day? Did I say everything I wanted to say? I vaguely recall the day and who was there but the memory is fuzzy, I know it is because I was being medicated and I now wish that I did not need to be so I could recall that day with full clarity. Last night, I planned your birthday dinner and I have invited your friends, we will be at grandpa and grandma’s to swim in the pool and have a barbeque and yes, Evelyn will be bringing your favourite chocolate cake and peanut butter balls. I am filled with anticipatory anxiety for your birthday next Tuesday. We will be going to the park and I will be putting lights on the goal post along with your pictures and we will lay flowers under the goal post on the spot where you left me. How am I going to get through this month in one piece? I am shattered and everything is overwhelming me. I know that I have to do it. I know that I can but it is not natural to have to do this and certainly the hardest thing I have had to do is to wake each day and go on living without you. I cannot let you be forgotten and I will not let you be. Your life mattered and in death you still matter. It just does not get easier as time moves forward, it in fact gets more difficult – no one tells you this after you lose a child. Everyone expects that I am good now, that I am over my grief, so for most I have to tuck it away. My sadness makes them uncomfortable and they don’t want to be burdened so for everyone, I must hide how I feel, I must smile when my heart is crying. I love you more today than yesterday and I will love you forever. I am sending you so many birthday hugs and I wish I could give you one more hug. Sleep well Monkey.