Moving into June – A Difficult Month

As June will be here in just a couple of days, I feel overwhelming emotion. June will always be a difficult month for me; however, this June will bring so many more emotions and it will be a struggle to get through. June 2 will bring another angelversary as you will be gone 17 months. June 10, you should be attending your prom with friends and doing all those things you shouldn’t do – a right of passage. June 13, you should be turning 18 instead you will remain Forever 16. Finally, June 27, you should be graduating, walking across the stage at your commencement with the friends that you grew up with and some which you have known since you were 2. I am thankful to Yale Secondary that they are allowing me to attend your commencement, to light a candle in your honour and that your cap and gown will be there. You should be wearing your cap and gown, you should be walking the stage, sitting with your friends and throwing your cap. You should be here to celebrate with everyone. I am finding that this week, I am out of sorts, I am struggling to concentrate, to sleep, do not feel like eating and I am irritable but this is normal. This is the cycle as your angelversary approaches; this will be the cycle for the rest of my life, I am certain. This month I have noticed so many signs, feathers wherever I go and just yesterday, water meters painted as toadstools – the exact ones that you would doodle all over every piece of paper or book. I know you are showing me these things to help comfort me, to let me know you are well and that you know that I am struggling with you leaving. It is not fair that I have to endure this journey, I hate that the universe chose you to be ill, chose me to also travel this journey. To all those who say that I am strong or “that he doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, stop, if you only knew exactly what I feel inside, how much I hide or tuck away. How hard the daily struggle is or how often the feelings sneak out and I cry alone my car, in a store when I see something you liked, when a song comes on the radio. If they only knew that I cannot watch a Spiderman movie as he was your favourite superhero or a Batman movie because you really wanted to see the Batman movie before you died and never had the chance. “He”? Who the hell is he? This, of course, if rhetorical, I know who “he” is and “he” does not exist in my life. What I need is for everyone to just stop. Just let me talk if I want or don’t want. Just be there for me. I do not need your advice on something that you cannot possibly fathom, a pain so deep I will never be whole again – what I need as this month approaches is everyone’s unwaivering support – I do not need to asked what is wrong or why am I sad – I need you to check in and if I don’t respond, know that I am okay. I mean what other choice has life given me. Connor – in honour of your Forever 16, I will be at the park on June 13, I will hang lights and your pictures on the goal post and lay orange flowers where you died. I will be having a birthday dinner for you and hope that all who loved you will come; of course, I will have all your favourites. I will love you forever and I miss you more than you know. Every day I miss you more.